Red Rum Red Rum

I saw no escape route. The big green EXIT sign had only been put there for show, I found that out when I tried going in the direction of where it pointed. Banging my head against a wall with a door painted on it. And a second time just to be sure.
Why would I bump into doors head-first, you ask? 
Well, my reply would be: ‘Do I tell you how to open your doors? No I don’t, so shut it!’
I wondered how I ended up here. This room seemed to have no discernable point of entry. I thought, maybe there’s a hidden button somewhere over here.
I started feeling the walls with my tongue, hoping to find that hidden button (again, do I tell you how to search for hidden buttons? NO, I DON’T!), but after filling my mouth with enough leaded paint to make my potential offspring retarded for generations to come, I concluded that there may not be a button after all. 
The room was too big to be a prison cell, too dilapidatedly urban to be a container for humans on an alien spaceship with the inevitability of anal probing just around the corner. 
I quacked like a duck to attract attention (stop asking why, will you?!), but to no avail. I quacked a bit louder, but for all I knew, nobody could be listening.
I considered this option: a crack in the space time continuum might have created this space and placed me in there, a parallel universe where I spend all eternity in this timeless red painted room without doors. It made a lot of sense at the time (though that might have been an effect from the lead overdose I had ingested), but ultimately I had to conclude that it couldn’t be for eternity, since I suddenly felt the urgent need to micturate. This was proof of time passing, and also of me having drunk some liquid or other in the not so distant past (I missed my calling to become a detective). 
As I did not know how long I would be here, I chose one of the corners and designated it as my toilet (survival skills at work; you have to create order in stressful situations). 
After micturating and destroying even more of the already-not-so-fresh paintwork, I continued my search for the exit. Instinctively, it felt a bit safer knowing that I had marked my territory, knowing that anyone coming in after me would have to subjugate to me. The rules of the jungle also apply outside the jungle.
I still was none the wiser, though. Questions remained unanswered, unless you count the answers I gave myself to those questions, in which case they were answered, but maybe not with the right answer (must you be so anal about all these things?).
I put myself in the middle of the room on hands and knees and howled. The sound bounced off all walls simultaneously and back to me in a four way echo….
Well, at least I had something to do until I wait for starvation…