It’s day 3470 and it’s very black out here in the outer regions of the solar system. You probably aren’t aware of this, but I’m the sucker NASA sent along with the New Horizons spaceship. They probably didn’t tell you this was a manned mission, right? Who do you think is uploading all those Pluto images these past few days? A computer program? Do you really think they’re that advanced? These computers I’m working with here still run on Windows 98, so yeah, remote desktop? Forget about it! It’s a well-established fact that NASA secretly puts people on every mission, and it’s not like we’re given a choice. Basically, it’s a cheaper option than upgrading to Windows XP.
In case you’re wondering, I came across the NASA agents while going out; they seduced me, got me drunk, probably roofied me (with my own roofies! That’s just unethical!), and dragged me aboard this spaceship.
When I woke up from my hangover sleep, I had already flown past the moon (that’s what they told me in response to my frantic screams when I was slowly realizing where I was). I’m generally a peaceful man, but then I went berserk, and I screamed at them to send me back home. Of course they couldn’t and wouldn’t, because this was always going to be a one-way ticket.
“Look at the bright side,” they’d say, “nobody ever went as far as you! Think of all the unique things you’ll see!”
“But I don’t give a fuck about space! Let me get back to my carefree life of debauchery!”
“If we get you back, you burn up on re-entry in the earth’s atmosphere … Face it, you’re not coming back, kid!”
“So you’re putting me out to die here?”
“Basically, but not before you do what we want!”
“You can’t make me! I’ll commit suicide!”
“I’m afraid that that’s impossible – that chair you’re sitting is constricting your movements because you are attached to it, literally attached!”
“What do you mean?”
“Your body movements are constricted, you are fed intravenously, automatically through a needle in your spine, which also happens to paralyze both your legs.”
“You guys are SICK!”
I think I spent the first 4 years moping and angry, until I found I could decrease the amount of oxygen in my cabin, which basically makes me high 24/7. And I need to be that for when I’m watching the limited movie collection they put on my computer. I know them all by heart now, even the porno movies! (Do you know what’s a nuisance? Ejaculate in a state of weightlessness! Got to always use the suction cup!).
Internet sucks up here, though! You know the reason the upload speeds for sending those Pluto photos are so slow, is because I’m still downloading some things from KazaA. My download will be done in 2018, so don’t expect any faster upload speeds before that! And let’s be honest, even after that, I’ll just download some new shit!
It also takes 9 hours to see the effect of anything I type in on Google. The speed of light is a bit of a bummer, really…
So you’re wondering how the fly-by was of Pluto? Given that it went almost too fast to register on my retinas, it was pretty underwhelming. I was hoping for that 1 in a 1000 chance to crash into Pluto, but of course that was wishful thinking.
I’m beginning to feel a bit too conscious again…
Let me take away some oxygen…
Oh yes! That’s the stuff! Whiiiiiii!!!!