My left eye hid itself for a long time behind a plaster because some doctor had called my right eye lazy (unfair punishment on my left eye, it’s true). If I would have been a toddler now, it would have probably just been categorised ad ADD, I’d have been put ritalin, and my good eye would have slowed down a bit to make way for an all-invigorating blank stare.
I remember bumping into many things because of the huge plaster on my eye. Sure, onlookers could have mistaken me for some kind of supernatural cyclops heroically head-butting a lamp post, destroying it (mostly in my imagination), and carrying on my day as if nothing had happened (except for the fact that Timmy would be crying and having a major bump on his forehead – scars of war, I tells ya).
I did not meet Depth Perception until it was finally decided that my eye was still lazy, but not so lazy that it wouldn’t follow the other eye around. At least with me, you don’t have to make the agonising choice of choosing the right eye to look at when talking to me (and the right eye would be the left eye, just to be clear!). Since then, I have been virtually living as a closeted cyclops with an eye too much. A hundred years ago, a bright future as circus freak would lie ahead of me. Now, sadly, nobody is willing to pay good money to see someone like me, certainly not given the fact that anyone can just go online and watch an overweight midget be fisted by a Taiwanese hermaphrodite in a wheelchair. Us regular freaks have been completely priced out of the market.
It’s not that I haven’t tried leading a two-eyed life, I sure have, but give me a BB gun and tell me to shoot the Cola can right next to the baby kitten, and I guarantee you the baby kitten will be shot to pieces (why anyone would place these two next to each other is completely beyond me, still it worked to prove my point). As with any of my other birth defects (obesity, incontinence, etc.), I have found an ingenious way of hiding it. I can fake depth perception perfectly, just don’t ask me to shoot the kitten lying next to the endangered baby panda bear.
I have often wondered if my interest in both fine arts & literature along with my interest in linguistics, technology & science has its foundation in my eye malfunction. Suppose I am actually born with a mathematical, logical brain (hahahaha!) but because my left eye is so dominant (really, I see no difference when I cover my right eye or not) I only get most of my visual information through my right, creative, hemisphere. So everything I see gets filtered through the right part of my brain before reaching the left hemisphere for a stone-dry analysis.
Whenever I will be put to trial for shooting someone, I already have my perfect response…
‘But judge, I have here with me a baby kitten that I will place next to this adorable human baby belonging to the victim’s widow. Now I will try to shoot the baby with this police officer’s gun… may I?"
"OBJECTION! You can’t give that freak a gun!!!!"
"Denied, I want to see this. Give him your gun, warden."
"Thanks. So here, I’ll try to shoot the baby from 10 feet away….."
*kills victim’s widow*
"See? I can’t aim! I’m a cyclops, damn it!"
"Hmmm… in light of this new information, and also because I’m feeling a bit peckish, I have no choice but to let you free."
If you think this is injust, then feel free to imagine an angry crowd coming up to lynch me and cut me into tiny little pieces, as soon as I was set free.
So you see, it really takes a one-eyed man to truly see. All you two-eyed wankers are nothing but blind, blind, blind….
And you all know….
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king…
*kneels to receive his divine power to rule over all*