TIM for ABNORMALS – I am abnormal because…

 "I am abnormal because…"

I almost cannot believe I haven’t written one of these before. It is one of the rites of passage that I seem to have skipped when becoming involved in Abnormals (I also skipped the swimsuit competition, the self-mutilation-with-a-cucumber race and the fart-the-cucaracha contest – without boasting, I daresay I would be rather good at all of these).

It is a tricky sentence of course, because the moment you start explaining yourself, you lose some of your mystique that makes you appealing to other Abnormal personae since you immediately limit your identity to a fixed framework. And isn’t that just the most normal thing in the world? You unwittingly outline your limitations and priorities, thus making you One of Them – Gooble-Gabble-Gooble-Gabble. Now imagine all the midgets banging the table frantically with their tiny bits of cutlery, laughing loudly and for some reason dripping snot all over themselves… –scary stuff, I know.

Everything in my life is aimed at not becoming a midget, so here we go. I cannot fail this simple task…

I am abnormal because whenever it rains, I feel the incontrollable urge to put at least three of my fingers in my mouth. These fingers may not be adjacent to one another, because if that were to happen, there is a 35 percent chance that my right eyeball will implode (on the upside, this event may likely trigger the descent of my left testicle, now 27 years overdue). Even though I have never attempted to rape a kilo of minced meat, it is not something I would not do if asked nicely with or without a gun against my head. The only thing I will not engage in carnal relationships with are frozen vegetables, but that is mostly a “Song of Experience” because of the burn wounds that arose after Attempt number 1.

There, I’m safe for another day… (from the midgets of course!)

Now it’s your turn!

TIM@ABNORMALS