The Secret Morning Code of Runners’ Condescension

This happened just the other day: I woke up before 9 AM, a time I generally consider to be the middle of the fucking night, because of my superhuman biorhythm (*coughs*). Worst of all, I was even very much awake, like with energy and all that shit, no need to snooze my alarm umpteen times and drench myself and my pillow in drool (if I drool, it’s when I snooze – kinky info, I know!).

I know the world expects me to be asleep at that time, so if I’d rob a bank that early, the newspapers would say, “Timmy’s not a suspect, he can’t have possibly been awake that early! Clearly, this was the work of an imposter! Or maybe his evil twin brother who he heroically defeated back in his mother’s womb? But definitely not Timmy!”

I decided I’d go for a morning run, something exhausting that would allow me to maybe go back to bed or that would at least let me doze off in the shower or while blow-drying my hair for an hour or so. I expected the park to be abandoned, because what lunatic would be having these same thoughts as me? To go out and run?

Well, plenty of lunatics, it seems (not shown on image below), and there was something about them that struck me.

Every runner coming from the opposite direction in the park by the water either smiled at me, said hello, waved, or nodded. In the afternoon or evening, when I would normally go out for a run, nobody does this – we’re lonesome warriors, egomaniacs that would rather spit at than nod at another runner when passing them (perhaps slightly exaggerated). Did I know these people? I was pretty sure I wouldn’t associate with any of them, though maybe with that one guy who seemed to be dressed as a gypsy ninja, but I’m superficial that way – I mean, how COOL would is that?!

No, I didn’t know any of them. And then it dawned on me – morning runners have this secret code between them, revealing their self-aggrandising sense of superiority and acknowledging that of others (the Euphemism Generator 3000 would probably describe it as “respect”, but we all know they think they’re better than you, who’s at “work”, “lying in bed”, “walking the dog”, “eating the poor”, or any other activity, and they’re being so outspoken about it.

I wasn’t having any of it, though. I wasn’t part of them, and I won’t ever be, and besides, if I want to feel superior to people, I certainly don’t need to leave the comfort of my own bed!

You are now probably thinking I reacted stoically to the runners I encountered, ignoring them completely, but you’d be wrong. The first few I did give a smile to, because it was always possible I had met them and just forgotten who they were, a regular occurrence in (my) life. However, after realising what they were up to, I changed tactics. I politely returned their nods and waves, but farted so they’d have inhale my gas as they ran me by… That’ll teach them!

Thinking about it… They could have just been nice, though…

POST EDIT on 22 FEB 19: I took a 5 more runs since then along the same route… always after midday… And the non-response was impressive! My next challenge is trying to wake up in the morning again to see if I can verify my above statements in any way…

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